Because seeing and hearing translate into FEELING.  Successful leaders make us feel.  They can make us feel confident, eager and energetic.  They may make us feel tender, sensitive, and sympathetic.  They make us want to take action.  The action may be in the form of simply thinking differently about a situation or it may be to change the world.  Either way, they usually “change” us in some way. 

In my experience the best leaders are aware of what they know, and just as clearly, what they don’t know and they are okay with both. Leaders are confident but not egotistical or braggarts. They are always learning from those around them, versus believing they know it all.  And without a doubt, the finest leaders are excellent listeners.   They listen for the needs, desires and goals of others and plan accordingly.  Their decisions are based on what is best for the group, not their own agenda.   This is not to say that a leader won’t venture out in a way that might, at first, seem contradictory to a perceived or current direction.  Leaders will take risks and face the consequences of those risks.  Positive or Negative.  Leaders take ownership for their behavior and expect the same from others. 

This is the short leadership characteristic list.  There are many micro characteristics that fall into the definition of a leader.  Suffice to say when you see one, you feel it.

What leadership characteristics are you drawn to?  Who do you know or listen to that make you want to take action?  Who makes you feel?   What leadership characteristics do you possess?  What leadership skills or characteristics do you want to hone or acquire?   Let's talk about it in the comments area. 

Difficult subjects are by nature anything you have trouble, angst or confusion about discussing.  The biggest clue to whether the discussion will be difficult is that it hasn’t happened yet. 

In business there is one main subject that seems difficult for many to handle but to be a top performing manager and leader you must master it.  Talking to the under performer.  Under performance comes in many different packages.  Body Odor, tardiness, excuses, inappropriate comments and tasks not completed are all “behavior” that is sub par and below expectations.

See what I did there in that last paragraph?  I took it out of “personal” (about the person) and transformed it into just a behavior.   This is the first step in having a meaningful difficult conversation.   Figure out what behavior isn’t working. 

PLAN before you have the meeting.

1. Get Neutral.  You can be angry, disappointed and frustrated but during the meeting (discussion) you need to remain calm and have a neutral tone of voice.

2.  Write it Down.  Bullet point what the grievances are and follow your list.  Do not go off into personality issues and all of your frustrations.  Stick to your list.

3.  Avoid getting personal.  This is about the behavior, not about the person. 

Example Scenario:  Sally, thank you for coming in.  This will only take about 5 minutes.   While I know this might be uncomfortable for you to hear, I need to let you know that I have experienced times lately where you have body odor.  I know this can happen for a number of reasons and I’m hoping you will manage this better in the future.   (Your tone is completely neutral, speed is slow and steadily paced, you are making eye contact as much as Sally will allow.  Breathe)  Do you have any questions?  Wait for response.  Is there anything you might need help with or information about?  Wait for response.    Thank you for coming in and I want you to know this conversation is completely confidential on my end and I am happy to discuss or answer questions on this or any topic you might need help on in the future.  Don’t hesitate to talk to me about any concerns. You stand to signal the end of the meeting and walk them OUT OF THE OFFICE.   When you are out in the public area just outside your office door.  Take Sally’s hand and shake it. (if appropriate)   Thank her so much for coming in and smile.  This signals to any around (and in some ways to Sally) that this was not a big deal, not a scolding, just an informational NEUTRAL meeting about data that needed to be handled.   

YOU ARE DONE! You did it!

Remember keep your tone and the information neutral, keep it about the behavior, not the person, and make it short and to the point.  

Beginning January 2015, I am launching my free monthly e-newsletter which I am calling Tell Me More About That.  Each month subscribers will receive concise and timely solutions in a feature article that will focus on communication problems and work place relationships.   Tell Me More About That features useful real life scenarios centering around communications, conflict resolution, difficult situations, successes, failures and many other moving parts of interpersonal behaviors.  The articles will be jam packed with useful ideas for people on the go.

Another focus of the newsletter will be leadership.  Being the leader of a group of people is hard.  Whether you are a shift lead, a front line supervisor, assistant manager or manager, or just out on a camping trip, leading people is difficult.   Along the way, I will explain how to make leading not only easier but fun and productive too.  Each month, my newsletter will feature The ABCs of Leadership series which will enhance your ability to not only build effective working relationships, but also enjoy better relationships at home.

I tend to receive great questions on my Facebook page, from emails, trainings, and phone consultations and each month I will choose two or three to answer here (anonymously of course).  The Advice Lady Listens is the column where you ask the questions  (I listen) and everyone gets an answer.  Fair warning: be prepared to Tell Me More About That. 

And finally, please be on the lookout for a touch of humor in my featurette called Just For Fun.

Best wishes for a fun and productive New Year.  Subscribe here and thank you for joining us.

We are moving at the speed of light lately.  Running here, multi-tasking, spewing energy like oil out of a gusher.  It can be exhausting and exhilarating.  If you are one of the exhausted ones, read this short story.  
I was out for a walk with my boyfriend, Greg.  Greg is NOT a type A personality.  He is a thinker.  An inner processor (versus me, who processes all over everything and everyone)  He will admit he is not good at multi-tasking (recent science is proving none of us are actually) and he is VERY good at calm, sitting, reflecting, relaxing.  I don't get it.  At all.  Because while my lightening pace is exhausting, it is also, sometimes exhilarating.  

At one point during the fast paced walk, he said, Honey, calm.  How the heck do you walk fast and be calm?  He said, "Be fast on the outside and be calm on the inside."  You can be calm on the inside and going very fast on the outside.  You are emitting a LOT of energy.  Calm your inside and you will have a lot more energy for the outside.  It was literally like a light bulb went on.  I always equated fastness on the outside with revving engines on the inside.   They are in fact different. 
Short story over.  Moral?  When you are multi-tasking, dealing with kids, rushing to meetings, putting out fires, check yourself.  Ask yourself, "Am I calm ?  The answer will usually be "hell no I'm not calm".  And after that snarky, but true answer, tell yourself, you can be peaceful even though you are rushing.  You can be calm even though you are flying through your day.  Let yourself be calm and have peace in the fast lane.

The Navy SEALS have a saying;  SLOW is FAST.  Meaning if we rush, we tend to make mistakes,  whereas when we go slowly, things are accomplished faster.   (i.e. haste makes waste) 

Try this and let me know what benefits you discover.

You discover your per-diem reimbursement for the recent Miami trip is $10.00 short of what you calculated.  (The charge may be questioned because it was a bar tip.)  Do you? 

1.  Steer clear of the guy from accounting because you are not sure if the shortage is personal or a mistake and you don't want to find out.   Having it be your fault for some reason is more than you can deal with. 

2.  You are not going to rock the boat with the guy from accounting about your reimbursement check.  You could have made a mistake on your expense report.  It's probably your fault because you aren't great at math anyway. 

3.  You are setting up a time to chat with the guy from accounting about your reimbursement check being wrong.  Not sure what happened, but you want to get it figured out just so everyone is on the same page.  

4.  You tell the guy from accounting to fix your check.  And don't let it happen again.

5.  You send an email to accounting asking them to look into this and you can wait until next pay cycle to get it cleared up.

All of these short scenarios describes a different way (style) of dealing with conflict.  

1.  This style is the "Avoider".  This person avoids anything that is conflict, looks like conflict, or could become conflict.  Engagement is not an option.  Their fear is that it is personal (versus a math error) and they fear they will be attacked or blamed and that is too painful.  This, believe it or not, is the most prevalent conflict style in America.  I see this 3 to 1 over the other types in almost every one of my trainings.   The benefits to this style are that it appears you are the laid back type and you pick your battles.  In reality you don't battle at all and you are usually a mess inside.  Avoiders feel a lot of stress because there is so much that is unresolved in their world.  It is draining and they can begin to feel bitter because they don't ever "win" or get their way. The avoider will not address the situation.
 
2.  This style is the "Accommodator".  These folks are the first to say they are sorry. They may not have a clue what they are sorry about, but they say it.  They are the  first to take any and all blame (regardless of the situation).  This is how they make the conflict go away.  Just agree or become a yes man.  The Accommodator does not like and indeed can not tolerate conflict.   They may not have the skills to resolve the conflict.  They definitely don't have the desire or energy it takes to resolve it.  While the avoider will not address the situation in any way, the Accommodator will apologize for a mistake that is not theirs.  They willingly take on the blame to make it all go away.

3.  This style is the "Collaborator".  This person wants everyone, every time, to have a say and to state their opinion and they value the "win/win".  They want to "work it out", "discuss it", "hear from all sides".  They are not afraid of conflict, because they don't necessarily look at problems as conflicts.  They look at conflicts as misunderstandings, issues with lack of data, or unheard hurt feelings.  These issues are all very manageable in the Collaborator's eyes.   This style is a good thing because people feel heard (because they are, in fact, HEARD by the Collaborator) and there can be a strong sense of "team".  The downside is that collaboration is a much (much) slower way to resolve conflict.  When a decision needs to be made in a hurry or in a crisis for example, "Collaboration" is probably not the go to style.  Collaborators are people oriented.
 
4.  This style is the "Competitor".  The competitor is important because they are quick to make decisions good or bad, right or wrong.  They aren't afraid of making mistakes.  They get things done.  They take pride in being first, on top, the winner.  The downside for the "Competitor" is that they don't really need, want, or see the necessity for anyones input.  (This is actually the downside for those around the competitor vs. the competitor themselves.) They may unknowingly (or knowingly) walk on someone to get where they want to go.  They are goal oriented vs. people oriented. If I sound harsh about the competitor, let me balance it by saying that the world would have a very difficult time functioning without Competitors.
 
5.  This style is the "Compromiser".  In my trainings, when we first start talking about this section, a lot of folks "want" to be Compromisers.  They think it is "the style" to be.  Until they realize Compromisers seldom "win" or get all they want. Compromisers naturally give in to (not to be confused with giving up to)  "some" of what they want in order to resolve conflicts.  Usually, with compromise, it isn't you win this time and I win next time.  (Although this does occur -  think large families.)  Compromise is more commonly characterized as you get some of what you want, and I get some of what I want, and that repeats.  Seldom a full on win for either person. On an up note however, if you are in a long term relationship such as marriage, business partner, long-term or best friend, you will have to learn to compromise to make it last.  (Meaning, last in a healthy way).  Compromise is an essential style to have on your tool belt, just not for every situation.  

There are no right or wrong answers.  And many times we use one conflict style at work and another at home.  You may see yourself in more than one scenario,  but usually one is dominant or represents your "go-to" style.  In fact we need to have a good balance of all of these styles to be truly successful in life.  Discovering your style can help you understand yourself.  Knowing these conflict styles can help you understand others. 

Ask yourself: Where did this style of behavior originate for me?  How do I work with it?  How does my conflict style affect my life?  

I can help you answer those questions.   
What is your style?  Let us know in the comments section.  

Watch for upcoming posts where I will revisit each conflict style in more depth.

I love spring.  Not because of the pretty, sweet flowers (I wrote that mockingly), and not because of the added warmth, but because of the light.  Just the light.  It is whiter, brighter and sticks around longer.

The light is energy giving. (Unless you are a vampire, but this blog is about zombies so you are safe.)

February feels like a zombie apocalypse without the hotness of Daryl and Rick or the determination and grit of Michonne.  Slogging through everyday. Nothing changing. Getting chased by emotional and figurative zombies

(For those of you out snow skiing, winter camping and dogsledding, just ignore this blog and unfriend me on Facebook until Spring. Your selfies in the snow don’t help.) 

Ahhh, but the light of Spring gets into my bones and even into my cells.  I can kill all the zombies with one sword.   I can construct the fence of all fences and live in the lap of ZA luxury.  I can finally, again, begin projects.

What is the point of this blog you ask?

Take FULL advantage of the light. 

Do you want to do stand-up comedy?  Go to open mics NOW!

Do you want to write a novel? Sharpen your pencil or plug in your MAC NOW!

Want to start a new career or hobby?  Set up that research interview NOW!

Don’t wait for a Monday (Spring Starts on a Thursday this year) Do it NOW!

STOP STOPPING! 

Write down three (3) things you can do TODAY to get you closer to your dream.  Key here is TODAY.  The list is not the “thing”.  What is ON the list is. 

Let the light in.  Be productive.  Slay the zombies. 

So my advice during this holiday season is this.  COUNT your blessings SURE, but COUNT YOUR NUMBERS.  
Count to 10 (or 200) when things go wonky and you need to refocus. Seriously, when you count, the NON-emotional side of your brain kicks in and helps distract you from - I'm going nuts and may end up on the 10 most wanted list if my sister, aunt, neighbor (you fill in the blank) doesn't stop screaming, crowding, being nosy (yep, you fill in the blank).

This is not to say that if there is a real issue it should be swept under the counting run, but more so than not, when we are stressed it is more emotion, adrenalin and other stressors that are causing the "issue" than a real "ISSUE"

Take a deep breath and count.  Even count out loud.  I recommend singing your numbers to Old McDonald or if you are really mad, sing your number to the tune of Wrecking Ball. Ms. Cyrus won't mind. 

When everyone goes home, back to work and school, you may realize it was all just a big ball of hormones, lack of sleep, and out of whack holiday expectations.  

Counting can keep you off the 10 most wanted list and the wrecking ball. 

Happy Holidays,

Laura 

Here is what happens to a lot of us when we find ourselves NOT sleeping.

1.     We get emotional.  We might feel frustrated, sad or just down right mad.  We think about how bad it is going to be in the morning and how horrible our whole day will be.  I have yet to meet someone who thinks.  “Oh, thank God I don’t have to do all that pesky sleeping to replenish myself.  I need lots and lots more conscious time for these swirling, never-ending, aggravating thoughts. This is great.”

2.     We TRY to sleep.  We toss and turn.  We ruminate.  There is an amazing amount of energy spent just worrying and thinking.  And by the way, in case you didn’t already figure this out, things are always, I repeat ALWAYS worse at night.  Things are scarier, debt is higher, you are fatter (okay that last one is probably just me).

3.     Your self-esteem takes a hit.  “If I were a better person, I would have enough money, people would like me, I would have a better job”.  If I were better, I could sleep.  These crummy thoughts and subsequent feelings follow you into morning because, guess what, you are tired.

DO THIS

1.     The minute you can’t sleep or can’t go back to sleep, say to yourself.  "I am not able to sleep right now".  State the fact. Being a little pragmatic here will help you to not dive headfirst into all the emotional drama a sleepless night has in store for you.

2.     Either sit up or get up.  Laying there is not going to fix it.  If it were you would have been asleep back at number 2 above.  

3.     Do something productive. BUT, calmly productive. Don’t over stimulate yourself by watching TV or going out to your shop to fix the lawn mower.   Some potential activities include lite reading (a magazine, not The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo or Hunger Games) journaling is good, or knitting (yes knitting).  

4.     Most importantly.  Give yourself permission to REST instead of sleep.  You may not be able to sleep, but you can be in a restful, calm state.  You can be awake and agitated, or you can be awake and calm.  Reserve your energy by being calm.  Sleep is vitally important, but if you can’t, you can’t.  You can be calmer if you accept that you are simply awake and not that the world is falling apart. 

I am are here to discuss whatever stressors are keeping you up at night.  I will advise, discuss options with you or just listen.  A therapist or sleep specialist can assist you if you find you can’t sleep for an extended period of time.


Laura

If you are on Facebook, you may know there is a “hide” option.  You can hide a story and then unhide it later if you want to.  I hide stories about animals in distress.  While I appreciate that folks post pictures and stories to help animals, I don’t have the stomach for it.  Instead I donate to Elayne Boosler’s Tails of Joy Animal Rescue http://www.tailsofjoy.net/pages/about.html   (I suggest you do the same) and to my local animal shelter. (Again, I suggest you do the same in your neighborhood).  Back to my wandering point. 

Wouldn’t it be interesting if, like on Facebook, we could just click ”hide” when something distresses us?

You see someone walking down the street you don’t like - Click!
Your boss is upset with you – Click!
Disturbing social issue – Click!
Fight with your partner – Click!
Those nagging bills – Click!

We actually do have a built in hide button.  It is called “denial” and it is our brain’s way of saying “this is too hard or too painful”, click!  

Mark Zuckerberg and our brain know we need the hide button.  But why do we need the unhide button?  Mr. Z will have to answer that for Facebook, but for us, just because the bills are hiding, doesn’t mean they are gone.  Just because we only see the person on the street once a quarter, doesn’t mean they, or our feelings about them, are gone.  Just hidden. We can’t “un-see” what we have seen.  We can’t “un-experience” what we have experienced.  We can only hide it or resolve it. 

You may cross the street to avoid the person walking your direction, you may shove the bills back in the drawer for another day, but eventually, one way or the other, they will come out of hiding. 

Three suggestions for when you are ready to click the unhide button:

1. Write down (or in most cases these days, keyboard on some electronic device) the top three things you are avoiding.  If you aren’t sure what you are avoiding (because the hide button is still clicked), go to where your stress is.  What are the first three things you think of when you think stress?  Write them down.  Top three only.  (if you have other hides that flood in when you start, capture them on a separate piece of paper or screen for another time.)
2. For each of your top three come up with three “doable” strategies to resolve the issue.  If “bills” are on your list, winning the lotto is not a “doable” strategy. 
3. Pick one of the three to work on for one week.  (if you get done sooner, great, but give yourself at least a week to work through your strategy.) This is not to suggest all your bills will be paid in one week, but you can have a strategy in place in one week. 

This three-step process will make some of your hides very easy to approach and resolve, others not so much.  Depending upon the emotional deposit behind your individual hide button, it could be painful, even scary to resolve.   If you need some coaching, a brainstorming partner or support, I am here to help.